(By Jerry Hyde)
I smoked toad venom once.
Twice if we’re counting the second time.
When it comes to tripping, exiled prophet of psychedelia Timothy Leary always promoted the importance of ‘set and setting’, i.e. you need to be in a good emotional space (mind-set) and in a safe space (setting).
Who could argue against that?
Me.
I could.
Not that I disagree with him, but the greatest teachings don’t always come gift wrapped.
And so, when I took that tryptamine amphibian hit, straight from the glands of the Colorado River toad…
I had a fucking terrible time.
Because about half an hour before the bomb was dropped, a simple, shitty text from a male friend of mine shattered me into a thousand agonising splinters. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it, but it was too late to stabilise my broken heart, the ceremony was scheduled, the pipe was loaded, and that’s the ‘set’ I was in – fragile, delicate and extremely sensitive – when I banged up a dreadful headful of crystallised toad venom.
Unsurprisingly perhaps, the main takeaway from this apocalyptic Boschian experience was the message – you are fragile, delicate and extremely sensitive.
But wait – there was more.
These qualities are neither masculine nor feminine, said Mr Toad. They are human.
These are the qualities men have denied.
And these are the qualities that will make men whole again.
The phrase ‘life changing’ is a cliché.
I like clichés.
They’re founded in truth.
The toad changed my life, rebranding my patriarchal model of masculinity – tough, strong, invulnerable, impervious to pain – in about 15 minutes of swirling fractal shrapnel madness.
And therein lies the paradox – pain is perhaps the greatest teacher of all. What happens when you make the very thing that helps us evolve, a sign of weakness?
This.
This shit we’re in right now.
Tate. Trump. Musk.
Hollow men. Synthetic men, hateful, power mad men, full of bluster and bile.
Of course, it strikes me that I may be the worst person in the world to comment on masculinity.
Because for the past 30 years I’ve run men’s groups. This means that I’ve been in the privileged position of being surrounded by men whose primary desire is to evolve, to be accountable, to become conscious, to be the best dads, partners and friends they can possibly be. They come week in, week out, year after year, decade after decade – this is no drop-in circle. This is serious commitment.
These are lifers.
We rarely talk about masculinity. We don’t moan about women, or what we have lost.
I’d say the bulk of these men are driven by a desire to do a better job than their fathers did. And while most ultimately succeed, to do so means facing the pain of accepting they’ve inherited far more of their fathers than they’d like.
I know I did.
I learn a lot by being asked questions. I often hear myself say something that I didn’t know I knew.
I was on a podcast recently and the host asked me if there was a pivotal moment in a man’s life when he became a man…
Continue reading “On Men and Boys”
